Doctor… Adam Driver
Beck Bennett
Aidy Bryant[The Doctor is in… My Butt 4 intro] [Cut to Doctor]
Doctor: [talking on the phone] Nurse, who is my next patient? Oh no, he hurt his big thigh during the game? Send him in.[Beck walks in. He is wearing sports shirt and shorts.]
Beck: Hi doctor. I need help with my body. [limping] Ou! Ou! Ooh! Ou! [sits on the chair] I hurt my big thigh during the big game right when I was bout to score.
Doctor: Well, maybe I can help you score. Right now. Where does it hurt?
Beck: Way up at the top part of my thigh. I don’t know. About a centimeter below my ball sack.
Doctor: Let me take a look. How does it feel when I do this?[Doctor massages Beck’s thigh]
Beck: Ah! I don’t know doctor. I’m not gay.
Doctor: Are you sure?
Beck: Good point. I’m convinced. Let’s do sex.
Doctor: Oh yeah.[Doctor and Beck start touching each other]
Oh yeah.
Beck: Oh yeah.
Doctor: Oh yeah.
Beck: Oh yeah.
Doctor: Oh yeah.[Aidy walks in]
Aidy: Oh, excuse me Dr. Rock Hard, I had a two o’clock appointment and I still have not been seen.[Cut to Doctor and Beck]
Doctor: Huh?[Cut to Aidy]
Aidy: Yeah. All these big muscular guys keep cutting me but my mom said I need to see a doctor right away. I’ve been throwing up all day and my stomach is really sore.[Cut to Doctor and Beck]
Beck: Me too. My groin is sore.
Doctor: And I need to make it more sore.[Cut to Aidy]
Aidy: What? You’re gonna make it more sore? Alright! I mean, you’re the one who went to medical school. Not me.[Cut to Doctor and Beck]
Doctor: Yeah. I graduated best top in my class.[Cut to Aidy]
Aidy: Wow! That’s awesome Dr. Rock Hard.[Cut to Doctor and Beck]
Beck: And I’m always on bottom.
Aidy: Well, that’s nothing to brag about. Anyway, I’ll be in the waiting room with my mom. But please hurry Dr. Rock Hard.[Aidy walks out] [Cut to Doctor and Beck]
Doctor: So, patient. You play soccer? Does that mean you’re good at juggling balls?
Beck: With my feet.
Doctor: Wow, that’s hot.
Beck: But there’s a problem, doctor. I don’t have health insurance.
Doctor: That’s okay. I think I can figure out another way for you to pay.
Beck: Oh-f![Doctor and Beck start touching each other]
Oh yeah.
Beck: Oh yeah.
Doctor: Oh yeah.
Beck: Oh yeah.
Doctor: Oh yeah.[Aidy walks in again]
Aidy: Excuse me, doctor. I kind of overheard because I wasn’t all the way gone yet. My mom also doesn’t have health insurance. So can we pay however he is paying?[Cut to Doctor and Beck]
Doctor: Um…[Cut to Aidy]
Aidy: Well, I mean she does have health insurance but it doesn’t kick in until the first of the month. She has blue cross.[Cut to Doctor and Beck]
Beck: And I have blue balls.
Doctor: Oh, no. You’ll need 50 CCs of boner, stacked![Cut to Aidy]
Aidy: Wow! All this medical talk goes right over my head. But I’m next right?[Cut to Doctor and Beck]
Doctor: Um, yeah.[Cut to Aidy]
Aidy: Are you positive?[Cut to Doctor and Beck]
Doctor: Um, yeah. But don’t tell or they’ll make me leave.[Cut to Aidy]
Aidy: Okay. Whatever you say Dr. Rock Hard.[Aidy walks out] [Cut to Doctor and Beck]
Beck: Oh no, doctor. Now my other big thigh hurts.
Doctor: You’re in luck. I got medication that cures anything. But I don’t know if you’ll be able to swallow it.
Beck: Why? Is it big?
Doctor: Oh, yeah. So big.
Beck: How big is it doctor?
Doctor: Too big for you to swallow.[Aidy walks in]
Aidy: Oh, is it like a gel cap?
Doctor: A what?
Aidy: Coz I know those are big but I can get em’ down with water. And if not, my mom can cut them in half and put them in my mashed potatoes. So, please Dr. Rock Hard, give it to me. My stomach hurts really bad.
Doctor: I can’t give it to you. But I can give it to your mom. Hell, yeah!
Aidy: Oh, okay. That works too. Thank you Dr. Rock Hard. You know, my mom was nervous about this doctor’s office coz when she went on your website this morning, it crashed our whole computer. But I think you’re cool. So thanks for squeezing me in.
Doctor: I love to squeeze things in.
Aidy: I know. You’re gym packed today.
Doctor: About to be.
Aidy: Yeah. Well, it must be hard.
Doctor: It has to be hard.
Aidy: Okay. Well, I’ll get out of your hair.
Doctor: I don’t have any hair.
Aidy: Okay, thanks.[Aidy walks out]
Doctor: Now let’s get back to your big thigh. But, I think I need a second, third, fourth and fifth opinion.[four more men walk in tearing off their shirts and touching each other] [Aidy walks in]
Aidy: Hey, wait a minute. All beefed doctors work here? Will someone please help me? Hello?
