I consider myself a bit of a celebrity sex tape connoisseur. Watching celebrities have sex for real, kind of reminds me that they’re human, just like the rest of us. Seeing celebrities use the toilet would probably have the same effect, but it’s not as fun. Anyway, here are the top eight you should really know about, where you might find them if they were carried in a video store, and some key tidbits in order to increase your potential to be a good dinner party guest. Because people LOVE to talk about celebrity sex tapes over tuna casserole, trust me.
1. “One Night In Paris” starring Paris Hilton & Rick Solomon
Where To Find It: Next to “The Blair Witch Project”, filed under “night vision goggles” and “totally overrated.”
Best Scene: Paris literally texts away on her Sidekick while Solomon has his way with her.
2. Kim Kardashian & Ray J’s sex tape
Where To Find It: Next to other gross out comedies like “There’s Something About Mary” and “American Pie”, filed under “golden showers”
Best Scene: The whole thing is SO professionally produced, it’s ridiculous. I gotta say, Ray J is pretty hot, so every scene BUT the one with the pee is worth watching.
3. Pam & Tommy Lee: Hardcore & Uncensored starring Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee
Where To Find It: Alongside other romantic travel epics like “Far & Away” and “The Blue Lagoon”, filed under “quickies” and “vacation videos”
Best Scene: Toss up between when Tommy beeps the horn on his boat with his wiener and when he does a wicked mangina.
4. Colin Farrell and Nicole Narain’s sex tape
Where To Find It: Um, thanks to Colin’s gift for gab, we’ve got to put this one next to other Irish tales like “In The Name Of The Father” and “The Secret of Roan Inish”. Filed under “cunnilingus” (see below).
Best Scene: My favorite part is the when Colin calls Narain’s vagina a kitty. And it’s hilarious mainly because in the background, there literally is a cat walking around. Also, Colin seems to be a very talented lover. I was surprised.
5. R. Kelly’s sex tape
Where To Find It: Duh, in the Crime section, filed under “pedophilia” and “urine”. Thanks to the underage girl in the tape, this sick stuff is illegal.
Best Scene: Oh god, none of it. Honestly, the whole thing turned my stomach.
6. “Screech: Saved By The Smell” starring Dustin Diamond
Where To Find It: Definitely not the tween section. Considering there’s a scene that involves fecal matter, this one could only belong in the Gore section.
Best Scene: I suppose if you’re one of those people who is actually in seeing a Dirty Sanchez, well…
7. Rob Lowe’s sex tape
Where To Find It: Portions of the tape, which was one of the first commercially available celebrity sex tapes, was filmed during the 1988 Democratic National Convention, so perhaps it should be filed amongst the political documentaries. Of course, it should also be filed under statutory rape as well, because one of the girls Lowe has sex with is underage.
Best Scene: A second part of the tape features Lowe having a menage a trois with a man and a woman in Paris. Sacre bleu!
8. Lauren Conrad’s alleged sex tape
Where To Find It: If it exists, it should be among the mysteries and thrillers, of course.
Best Scene: Unknown, but were we ever to score a copy of this tape, we would hope for some serious dirty talk from the “Laguna Beach” sweetheart.